life's challenges

soooooooooooooooooooo............. its been awhile yet again since the last time i logged into here and vented.  i feel i should seek a counselor/therapist.  i can't quite grasp what exactly i'm going through but i know it's not healthy for me.  i've been really good at covering up my inner emotions and preventing the hurt from being exposed.  my life seems to get crazier by the minute.  actually, it feels like my life is getting crazier by the second.  for those of you who don't know i just recently had an accident.  it was real bad to the point my car is totaled.  i'm really bummed about the whole thing coz i only made matters worst for myself.  insurance is expected to increase heavily considering i'm not even 25 yet.  my history with speeding and tickets aren't the best ever.  i should be thankful i was able to walk out of the accident alive and well with a few burns and minor scratches; most of all, nobody involved or hurt except for myself.  i don't know.  it seems like i'm cursed for life.  i don't know what i'm doing wrong to deserve such a thing.  i just can't seem to catch a break.  its bad enough i commute around the whole bay area for work and school but now i've added even more of a challenge to my life which makes things worse for my mom and sister and a few friends which i must depend on.  without a car, i feel so helpless.  i know a car isn't everything but it gets people from point A to B.  i feel naked without one.  its just weird coz i'm so used to being the reliable person and now i'm stuck having to ask people for rides and whatnot.  i'm home more than usual which isn't too bad except dealing with the intense heat we've been having for some days now.  i've lost my appetite and when i do have one, i'm eating all the wrong kinds of food. 

normally, i would look at all this and refer to it as a challenge of which my faith is being tested.  i don't even know if that's an option anymore.  i'm just so drained and lifeless, so to speak.  i'm at a point where i could care less anymore.  my patience is tested like no other.  i'm trying so hard to keep it all together but at the same time i'm breaking down and just feel like crying my eyes out.  Rrr!  just when i was getting my life back on track and anxious to finish up my schooling, this obstacle just totally comes into effect.  my plan after graduating next summer was to relocate to the east coast if not seattle but i don't see how that would be anymore.  sometimes i just wanna give up but i know i'm not weak.  oh well, we learn from our mistakes.  how much more can we take until we finally do learn from them, right?  i guess it can only get better from here so we shall see.  i hope.  i'll be car shopping in the next week or so.  hopefully that goes smoothly for me.  well, i'm hungry and have a list of things to do set up for me so i better get a head start while its still early in the day. 

Frosted Flakes

it's been so long since i last wrote som'n here in xanga.  i've been real lazy to take the time out and just put it all into words.  if it's not being lazy then it's me bein' too busy tryin' to make the best of my social life.  the question is, am i?  som'x i find myself in doubt 'bout a lot of things.  i tend to get lost every now and then.  i question a lot 'bout life, relationships, friendships, work, school, and whatnot.  lately, i've been really negative towards i suppose friends.  i've lost a good few friends since the start of the new year.  i'll ask myself if it's som'n i'm doin' wrong or do i just have the worst bad luck when it comes to friendships?!?!  i don't know what i'm doin' wrong.  personally, i don't think i am doin' n'thing wrong.  one of my close friends from before whom he and i have had our share of differences has actually noticed the hardships i've gone through over the past year since our big dilemma little over a year ago from now.  we've both were blind then of what happened and as we look back on all that dance group drama, we've come to find out that the people we once called friends are really nothin' but backstabbin' conspirators.  oooo, i like how i put that last sentence together.  n'way, backstabbers are least of my worries coz i've been betrayed one too many times that i can care less.  it's their bad and i do believe that karma will get to them one way or another, sooner or later.  the one thing i hate the most which can also classify as one of my pet peeves are flakers.  i really don't understand why people back out at the last minute.  yesterday my homegirl sheila backed out from our trip to san diego at the end of this month.  which reminds me i need to get my ticket, pronto!  she had the nerve to ask me if i can wait 'til july and i told her no.  i am not goin' to back out on my other friend larren who lives in san diego.  i admit that i flake, too.  as a matter of fact, i flaked out on larren twice already.  both times of course were legit reasons.  one was trainin' for work and the other one was due to the weather at the time which i didn't wanna risk not bein' back in time for work.  however, i did let her know what the deal was so it's not like i didn't bother to give her the heads up.  i was an adult 'bout it.  it's fine if folks wanna flake on me but shit, gimme advance notice please.  also, don't make plans the day before and then flake the actual day of and to top it off, not call let alone ignore the fact that i called and text you to follow up.  just recently one of my other friends; well, i don't even know where she and i stand as of now coz i completely cut her out of existence just like that but she had been plannin' to hang out since she returned from the PI and i swear she was a constant flaker.  i swear this quote below so applies to me most of the time.  i'm too forgiving and people use that to their advantage.

"fool me once, shame on you.  fool me twice, shame on me."

a part of me gives into their apology coz of how sincere they can make themselves out to be.  i'm now barely realizin' it's some sugar coated whatever it is used in order to still stay connected to you and all i gotta say to that is, FUCK THAT!  i know i'm a very patient person but over everything i've gone through, that level of patience has been challenged.  i'm not sayin' that i've lost patience.  i just learned and opened my eyes that people are who they are and i have no tolerance for non-serious individuals.  i guess one can say that's just me growin' up.  everything i state in my myspace, friendster, here in xanga and wherever, i mean what i say in description to myself.  for those guilty people who think an apology will fix everything, wow!  it seems like they value my friendship that they don't wanna lose it but if that were so; then, why repeat the same shit over again and have the nerve to acknowledge you learned from your mistake the first time yet do it again?!?!  that's the case with my other friend, K.  it's natural that when you get into a relationship, you tend to forget 'bout everything around you coz you're just so caught up with that one special person.  and when things go bad, you resort to your close ones, such as friends, for comfort.  in his case, his on and off significant other plays games with his heart, literally.  at first i didn't like the individual.  sure the looks were there but what 'bout the affection and all, yes?  k, told me to give the person a chance even after they had been broken up.  got to know the person and not bad.  n'how, cuttin' to the chase they're back together.  so i'm like okay all the same signs are comin' back again where he or she is like okay i don't need you anymore coz i'm caught up.  n'how, i give them a month.  2 if possible.  if they can surpass that, good for them.  however, i don't think i can ever hook back up with someone who made out with their ex in the bedroom nextdoor just coz they were drunk.  on top of that, i wouldn't go and buy a prada wallet w/a pair of lion king tickets after we broke up.  what the hell is that all 'bout?  i asked him, why are you tryin' to buy this indivual?!?!  n'way, i cut ties with my supposed friend right now.  that's one reason why i've been distal from him.  another reason is due to me askin' him if he wants to go to a particular club.  his answer was, i don't like the event.  so you don't like it but when the one person that hurt you the most is goin' you're all of a sudden a likin' to the event.  that's just awesome. 

so as you can see, i have no time for people like this.  play games with me, expect to lose me if not be challenged at your own game.  lately, i've been highly considerin' givin' them all a taste of their own medicine but i ask myself, is it really worth the hassle of goin' thru all that?  therefore, i just simply cut them from my world.  it's simple as that.  they'll come around.  they always always do.  have a good day.

Currently Listening Morning By Amel Larrieux "trouble" see related

is it me or was the yahoo horoscopes just not too positive sounding  i didn't check just mine but i checked all the horoscopes.  n'way,

HAPPY 2006!!!

so... i spent my new year with my friend kriz.  it's weird coz i spent new year '05 with him last year and come to think of it, i ended '05 hangin' out with him.  i shouldn't say it's weird coz if n'thing, it was cool.  well, they say what one does on new year, determines or reflects the outcome of his or her year.  does this mean i'll be drinkin' and clubbin'?!?!  hahha ha...  n'way, we had an okay time.  we went to check out a house party of which i was suppose to meet up with one of my other friends, randy.  however, somewhere along the lines there was a confusion coz he must've went to another house party in the same city.  basically, we weren't at the same house.  kriz and i didn't bother to check it out so we ended up goin' to the city.  we didn't get to do the whole countdown thing but we managed to still have fun once we got into the city.  i didn't mind though.  it was different.  change is always a good thing. 

i didn't really make any new year's resolution.  if so, then they were the same old ones like get serious with school, use my money wisely and what not.  i think this year, i'll try my best to watch what i fall into as well as try to avoid regrets.  oooo, and cutdown on alcohol.  its funny coz my brother got me a book for my 24th bDay and to my surprise it's titled alcoholics anonymous.  hahha ha... i'll have to look into it next chance i get.  i predict 2006 will be good to me, hopefully.  i know what i want and i'm more than determined to reach those goals.  2005 started off kind of on a bad note and as the year progressed i began to find myself, not that findin' one's self is a bad thing.  however, i am still findin' myself coz i believe that no matter how much we all think we've found ourselves, that's just fools talkin' coz everyday we learn something new 'bout our self if not someone else or something else.  2005 was full of regrets and heartaches for me.  i say i regret a good portion of it but perhaps somewhere deep inside i don't mean it.  the past is the past and it's time to say goodbye.  i do thank them (that have hurt me) for remindin' me why i avoided fallin' in love but most of all, makin' me stronger.  until i'm ready to make mends with my past, i'll just be focusin' on my needs first.  then again, its the past so its not like i'm obligated to tryin' fix thing.  like i said before, I may be able to forgive but I realized I cannot forget.  with me, it just takes time.  i'll come around when i'm ready.  my friends who know me well can vouch for that.  i did tell myself that in the new year, i'm goin' to put myself first coz i learned puttin' others before can be very upsettin'.  i don't wanna get distracted, plain 'n' simple.  2006 looks promisin' towards a bright future. i just feel very inspired and blessed. 

well, i'm gonna get back to work.  in the meantime, may all of you and your loved ones have a blessed and safe new year.  once again, cheers to 2006!!

Currently Listening Change It All By Goapele "Crushed Out" see related

Here's some pictures of me with family and friends that I've taken over the past few weeks.  I'll break it down later caption-wise but right now I gotta jet for work. 

SoCon founders!  gettin' ready to hit up $2 Tuesday @4um. too bad we ended up payin' more. [josten, jared, lorie, richie, walter]

SOULfood dinner @ eBar.



HIGH there =) hahha ha...

before enterin' cuccinni's... SoCon directors night out. [jared, lorie, richie]

[mongolian beef and me]

just one of our saturday practices =)

Soul Conspiracy (there's quite a few not pictured)

me and my big sister sheila =)

CAPRICORN LOVE.

friday night out in the city. [christo, me, sheila, huong, and ann]

saturday night out in the city (minus christo)

mom's company x-mas dinner '05. [mom, me, and jessica]

me and my future sis'n'law jessica =)

my MOMMIES!!!  [auntie/godmother amanda & mom] =)

i need to update my xanga more often.  anyway, its crazy how daily horoscopes or just horoscopes in general can be so right on target...